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This was, as most of us know, a famous excerpt from Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Many people have their own theory of what it means – this is mine.
“To Thine Own Self Be True”, to me, means that I have to conduct myself in a way that will not make me cringe when I look at my conduct, words or ethics. Now there are times when we all do something foolish. Perhaps that is just the nature of humanity. What I’m talking about here goes far more to the core of my being.
In various circles or societies, things are accepted or shunned. Perhaps that societal influence has a significant impact on our interpretation of “right and wrong”. I like to think, however, that for most of us, myself included, these things (right and wrong) are far more “hard wired” into our psyche than driven by environmentally influenced.
Because I think most of us, on a fundamental level, believe we are “good” people, this, however, is a fluid standard. That is why the barometer I like to use is the “mirror” test. If I can look at myself in the mirror while shaving/washing/brushing my teeth and I’m not ashamed of what I see, I’m ok.
I wonder how many people, if being completely honest with themselves, could pass that test.
Another barometer is the “kid test”. Simply put, would I want my children emulating the behavior (or words or ethics) that I am exhibiting? .Now, I am not talking about age appropriate behavior here, such as having cocktail or similar things.
We all have our own gauges. The big issue is making sure they are properly calibrated.
What do you see when you look in the mirror?
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and parents should all make the effort to include their children in Valentine’s Day plans.
Before you read on, I feel a disclaimer is necessary. I AM a hopeless romantic. I DO believe that you should shower your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend with affection. When in a relationship, I do exactly that. I do not, however, believe it should be “saved up” for February 14th each year. EVERY day you should treat your significant other as you would on Valentine’s Day. Now that we’ve dispensed with that, let me continue.
A brief history of Valentine’s Day may be enlightening.
“There are varying opinions as to the origin of Valentine’s Day. Some experts state that it originated from St. Valentine, a Roman who was martyred for refusing to give up Christianity. He died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend also says that St. Valentine left a farewell note for the jailer’s daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it “From Your Valentine”. Other aspects of the story say that Saint Valentine served as a priest at the temple during the reign of Emperor Claudius. Claudius then had Valentine jailed for defying him. In 496 A.D. Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honour St. Valentine.
Gradually, February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages and St. Valentine became the patron saint of lovers. The date was marked by sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. There was often a social gathering or a ball.
In the United States, Miss Esther Howland is given credit for sending the first valentine cards. Commercial valentines were introduced in the 1800′s and now the date is very commercialized. The town of Loveland, Colorado, does a large post office business around February 14. The spirit of good continues as valentines are sent out with sentimental verses and children exchange valentine cards at school.” (http://www.pictureframes.co.uk/Saint-Valentine.aspx)
The bottom line is, Valentine’s Day is what some people refer to as a “Hallmark Holiday” (and before I get flack, I mean no disrespect to Hallmark or anyone who works with, for or around Hallmark; I am simply repeating a quoted expression). No one REALLY knows how it started, but we know now what we’re supposed to do with it and we all immediately think of images of love when we hear “Valentine” or “Valentine’s Day”. It is, after all, the Holiday of Love!
The next part of this article is geared towards the do’s and don’ts.
Since Valentine’s Day is all about love, start there. DO show your kids love.
If you are a single parent Do’s and Don’ts DON’T lament your single-ness to your children. THEY can be your “date” for Valentine’s Day. DO take your child/children out to dinner; buy them a stuffed animal/card/candy. Whatever. Make it about them, not you.
If you are not a single parent: DON’T complain that your spouse/partner didn’t do enough or didn’t appreciate enough. Show your child/children grace. Show them that the level of effort is more important than the quantity of the gifts or the amount of money spent. DO make Valentine’s special for your children, as well as your partner/spouse. Show them as much attention and love as you would your partner or spouse, lest the kids feel like second class citizens (again, I am not saying that you should buy your kid a diamond necklace just because you bought your wife or husband one, but you should glean the point from my comments).
And, in closing, a HUGE issue that comes up all the time with children: If your child/children are having a Valentine’s function at school and cards will be exchanged, DO make sure they bring one for EVERY child, not just the ones they like. Just imagine how it would feel to be the parent of the kid who came home crying because they didn’t get ONE card.
Parents tend to swing from one extreme to the other in dealing with children: on the one hand, children are viewed as fragile, delicate beings, while on the other hand, parents seem to view children as rough, hearty and “unbreakable” individuals.
The truth is, they’re both.
The point of this missive, however, is to remind parents everywhere, that “they’re just kids”. By that I mean, do not overwhelm children with adult problems. Kids don’t need to know that “Mom cheated” or that “Dad spent too much money”.
Kids need to know that they are loved. Kids need to feel safe. Kids need to know that everything will be O.K.
In the case of divorce, kids don’t need to know who was “at fault”. They don’t need to know all the dirty laundry. They don’t need to hear all the fighting, arguing, demeaning, and crying. Kids do need to hear that no matter what happens, they’re going to be loved by both parents; that they are going to be safe in both homes; that they weren’t the reason for the failure of the marriage.
In other words, speak to the kids. Not at them. Give them age appropriate information. Don’t use the kids as therapists. Remember… They’re just kids.
Twas the night before Court
And all through the house
The tension was heavy, my tears stained by blouse
My mother was angry, my father upset
They both had no idea, just how ugly this’d get.
They both were fighting for what they said was right
Do they have any idea who’s really losing this fight?
Me and my brother were stuck in our room
Hoping beyond hope this would all end soon.
We both had grown numb from the fight of our parents
That we cried and we hid from the next of the torrents
“If we are both good, then maybe they’ll stop”
We said to each other, to our Mom and our Pop
But the fighting continued and never did end
And all along we needed a friend
So we did what we had to just to get by
And sometimes we even hoped that we’d all die
What we can’t seem to get them to understand
Through all of this bitterness, and taking of stands
We really want them to just get along
And let us put an end to this song.
We once were a family, happy and glad
Now we are broken, battered and sad
To live normal lives is all that we ask
Does it matter who’s right, if there’s no sun in which to bask?
Often custody litigants say things like “I want custody” or “I don’t want him/her to have custody”. What most people do not realize is that there are two different types of custody: Legal Custody and Physical Custody.
Today I will discuss only the concept of Legal Custody, which involves issues regarding decision making for the minor child/children. These issues can include everything from where the child/children go to school to which physician’s they see. In California, for instance, there is a form that is used for determining which aspects of “legal custody” are to be shared between the parents. The language of the form [FL-341(E)] is as follows:
“2. In exercising joint legal custody, the parents will share in the responsibility and confer in good faith on matters concerning the health, education, and welfare of the children. The parents must confer in making decisions on the following matters:
a. Enrollment in or leaving a particular private or public school or daycare center
b. Participation in particular religious activities or institutions
c. Beginning or ending of psychiatric, psychological, or other mental health counseling or therapy
d. Selection of a doctor, dentist, or other health professional (except in emergency situations)
e. Participation in extracurricular activities
f. Out-of-country or out-of-state travel
g. Other (specify):
In all other matters in exercising joint legal custody, the parents may act alone, as long as the action does not conflict with any orders concerning the physical custody of the children.
3. If a parent does not obtain the required consent of the other parent to the decisions checked in item 2:
a. He or she may be subject to civil or criminal penalties.
b. The court may change the legal and physical custody of the minor children.
c. Other consequences (specify):
4. Special decision-making designation
a. The petitioner respondent will be responsible for making decisions regarding the following issues (specify):
b. Each parent will have access to the children’s school, medical, and dental records and the right to consult with professionals who are providing services to the children.
5. Health-care notification
a. Each parent must notify the other of the name and address of each health practitioner who examines or treats the children; such notification must be made within (specify number): days of the commencement of the first such treatment or examination.
b. Each parent is authorized to take any and all actions necessary to protect the health and welfare of the children, including but not limited to consent to emergency surgical procedures or treatment. The parent authorizing such emergency treatment must notify the other parent as soon as possible of the emergency situation and of all procedures or treatment administered to the children.
c. Both parents are required to administer any prescribed medications for the children.
6. School notification. Each parent will be designated as a person the children’s school will contact in the event of an emergency.
7. Name. Neither parent will change the last name of the children or have a different name used on the children’s medical, school, or other records without the written consent of the other parent.
8. Other:”
This list is, of course, not conclusive, but is merely designed to give the litigants some structure as to what information can and must be shared, and what decisions can be made individually or jointly. If the parents know what is expected, it is often less disruptive to the children and, therefore, less destructive to the relationship between the children and each parent.
As a family law attorney I often hear things like “my son” or “my daughter” when one parent is referring to the children of the union. Seldom do I hear “our child” or words to that effect.
At first glance, one may say, “C’mon, it’s just a word”. While in some cases that may be true, often times it is indicative of a greater ill. The parent using that “word” truly believes that they are THE parent in the child’s life. Often this parent fails to acknowledge that the other parent had anything to do with the child and, more often than not, the child is the one to feel the pain.
This also comes up frequently in the case where the parents are trying to “massage” custodial time for one reason or another. In many cases, after the wounds have healed, the parents (even though custody orders are in place) can usually “trade time” or work out alternate schedules as suits their needs and the needs of the child/children. What happens with the “my kid” parent is that the time that he or she spends with that child becomes a possession as well. It is looked upon as an item the other parent is trying to take away rather than a period of time where the parent and child should be bonding and engaging with one another.
The “my time” parent is, as a result, far less likely to cooperate if schedules need to be changed, even if the change is to accommodate the child! This dynamic is occurring with an alarming degree of frequency. The child gets “punished” because the “my time” parent thinks the change is being requested by the other parent. The knee jerk reaction is to say “No, it’s my time” and not look beyond the request and find out WHY the request is being made. The time is for the parent AND the child to enjoy and foster their relationship.
Parents remember this: The children are not property. They are gifts. The time you spend with your children is also not property. That time is precious and fleeting. (In the words of Jeff Spicoli, “If you’re here, and I’m here, doesn’t that make it our time?)
There is a man (we’ll call him “Doug”). Doug and his ex wife (we’ll call her “Mary”) have a child. We’ll call the child Catherine.
Doug and Mary both love Catherine very much. Doug and Mary both want what is best for Catherine. The problem, however, is that Doug and Mary have very different views about what is best for Catherine.
Catherine, you see, is approaching her teens in full force. While Doug and Mary are fighting with each other about what school or after school programs Catherine should attend, Catherine is out doing drugs. While Doug and Mary are arguing about whether Catherine should be wearing makeup, Catherine is out having sex. While they are fighting about who “dropped the ball”, Catherine has learned that she can easily manipulate both of them to get her way, and pit one against the other.
Doug and Mary have spent a tremendous amount of time (and money) fighting in court over which of them is the better parent. In doing so, they are literally dragging each other through the mud; destroying each other’s reputation and character. Neither can see the impact this is having on Catherine. They have both determined to “win” this fight. The problem is, they have lost sight of what they are fighting for. In their effort to make each other wrong, their daughter, whom they both proclaim to love more than life itself, is “falling through the cracks”. She is the only real loser in this fight. Both Doug and Mary blame the other for Catherine’s “behavioral problems” but neither can take any action to help Catherine because to do so would take their energy and effort away from destroying the other.
While this story is not based on a single actual client or case I have worked on, it is, instead, a compilation of many clients and cases. The names, obviously, are fictional (Doug = Dad; Mary = Mom; Catherine = child), but they are also very real, representing every client in a hotly contested custody battle.
I am not for a moment stating that there should never be a fight for custody or parental issues. What I am trying to say to everyone who reads this article is this: Do not lose sight of what you are fighting for.
To begin with, we must have a working understand of what “domestic violence” really is. If you do a Google Search for “what is domestic violence”, the very first link is titled “Web Definitions for domestic violence”. Upon clicking that link, again, the very first definition is “violence or physical abuse directed toward your spouse or domestic partner; usually violence by men against women”. This definition clearly shows a “bias” against men insofar as the last segment “usually violence by men against women.
In California, for instance, Domestic Violence is defined by statute as “(a) Intentionally or recklessly to cause or attempt to cause bodily injury. (b) Sexual assault. (c) To place a person in reasonable apprehension of imminent serious bodily injury to that person or to another. (d) To engage in any behavior that has been or could be enjoined pursuant to Section 6320.
California Family Code § 6211 “Domestic violence” as abuse perpetrated against any of the following persons: (a) A spouse or former spouse. (b) A cohabitant or former cohabitant, as defined in Section 6209. (c) A person with whom the respondent is having or has had a dating or engagement relationship. (d) A person with whom the respondent has had a child, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child of the female parent under the Uniform Parentage Act (Part 3 (commencing with Section 7600) of Division 12). (e) A child of a party or a child who is the subject of an action under the Uniform Parentage Act, where the presumption applies that the male parent is the father of the child to be protected. (f) Any other person related by consanguinity or affinity within the second degree. This definition is clearly more gender neutral than the first definition. [click to continue…]
Question: Ex-wife and I have joint legal and phsical custody with 50% time shared. She was court order to pay me child support(extremely upset over this ruling) Than she did the unthinkable, I was arrested on false accusations of domestic violence and she put a restraining order on me. With her obtaining restraining order could entitled her to get full custory and child support. Both cases were dismissed!! During the waiting period for these court dates she took our children and moved back to were we used to live. Both agreed to live in Fresno and also provided that this case was to be transferred was granted.(case has not yet been accepted in Fresno) We have been in Fresno since 6-04-08. She wants full custody and to reside there. I didnt permit our children to leave. Can she just get away w/this?
Matthew Answers: The short answer is no, she cannot get away with this, but you have to take steps to hold her accountable. [click to continue…]
Question: I am going through a divorce and my husband’s father’s friend was and I believe is no longer a practicing lawyer. He is the unofficial attorney for my husband giving him legal advice and calling me to relay information from and to my husband. I’m wondering is he allowed to give legal advice and act as counsel if he is no longer a practicing lawyer?
Matthew Answers: You have only stated “going through a divorce”. If the father’s name appears on the pleadings, assuming a petition was filed, [click to continue…]
